Ah, the internet

Former Cook B, who now works among the 9 to 5 living, sent me a little email forward:

New Office Procedures for Hurricanes--As we watch the progress of the storm, the following are the new guidelines based upon the hurricane's intensity:

Hurricane Category #1 No excuse for being late. Leave earlier to give extra time to avoid fallen trees and limbs.

Hurricane Category #2 Due to the horizontal rain, you may wear jeans.

Hurricane Category #3 Whereas most of the area will be flooded we suggest you avoid wearing open toe sandals when coming to work. Canoes will be provided to get to the building safely without getting wet.

Hurricane Category #4 More than likely there will be no electricity. Given that , we will have manual typewriters available to all staff members. Please take extra caution and wear waterproof make-up if Category 4 or above.

Hurricane Category #5 Velcro will be provided to keep you attached to your chairs when the windows blow out. For those that survive, we will have chocolate cake at 3:00 pm in the kitchen.

Well, I sent that one on around because I know I love it when I get tons of forwards, and my smart ass brother, who in the halcyon days of youth pulled a tour or two in the restaurant (s)industry, comes up with this:

In case of a slowdown, servers are required to form roaming looting squads. All acquisitions must be split with the management, therefore you are reminded to grab two of each.

Hair must be tied up in case sparks raining down from blown transformers sets it ablaze. Tightly bound tresses burn much more slowly, giving the horizontal rain time to extinguish the flames.

It is the responsibility of kitchen staff to remove any human remains that find their way into the restaurant.

Any messages painted on the roof requesting rescue must be approved by management for proper format and spelling. No expletives.

If rescue by the authorities is not forthcoming after one week, staff members are allowed to consume remaining edible stock with some restrictions:
Standard menu items must be prepared in their entirety.
Staff will be charged %65 of menu price.
Alcoholic beverages are not included.
The standard %15 gratuity will be applied.

(Bro, the standard grat at my place is 18%, but the FOH expects at least 20% or you are considered a cheap redneck. FYI.)